Regret 3: I Wanted the Courage to Express My Feelings

Several years ago, a former palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware, wrote a widely circulated article, based on her discussions with dying patients, describing the regrets they shared with her in their final period of life. The top five were featured in an article on her site and she has since turned the article into a book.  Last week the web site addicted2success listed 10 Regrets In Life By Those About To Die. This week I am discussing five of those regrets.

I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win. (Ware)

 Fear of Feelings

Sometimes we live in fear of how others will react to our feelings and so we hide them instead of sharing them. Sometimes wise to restrain our lips (Proverbs 10:19) and a foolish person lets his annoyance be known at once (Proverbs 12:16). However, there are times when we need to speak up to let our voice be heard and to express our feelings. We may need to express our feelings to protect ourselves from the purposeful or accidental actions of others. Sometimes people are anxious to know what we are really feeling, who we really are, and what we think even if it conflicts with their position.

Feelings are part of what makes us human. Feelings are given to us by God as natural expressions of our inner thoughts and desires. Our feelings must be united with our mind to achieve balance in our lives but we should not consider our feelings wrong or evil. We should not trust our feelings completely but also not deny what they are trying to tell the mind. We must exercise wisdom when we reveal our feelings (Proverbs 13:16) and do so in a way that is productive and helpful (1 Corinthians 8:1). We should not fear what we feel and how others will react.

You Cannot Control the Reaction of Others

An important principle I have taught my children is that you can control what you do but you can’t control how others will react. Someone may react negatively to something you did with a positive intention. You are not responsible for how they react. Likewise, expressing your feelings, your reaction to what they are doing may encourage them to change their behavior so that their actions or words are not destructive or hurtful. You are able to express the respect you expect from others and what behavior you will not tolerate. I have had people start yelling in a discussion and I tell them, “I will leave (or hang up) if you do not change your tone and we will have to talk later but I will not allow you to yell at me.” At times I have had to act on that threat and resume the discussion later but it is necessary to tell others what behavior you will not accept.

Words Unsaid

sunset

It is extremely sad to hear someone standing over the casket or grave of a loved one expressing regret over something they didn’t say. Pride may keep us from saying we’re sorry. Some people have difficulty saying “I love you,” “I appreciate you,” or “Thank you.” Simple words that would mean so much to the people in our lives remain unsaid when we do not have the courage to speak these precious feelings. We do not know when we or our loved ones will die. Having lost a lot of special people in my life when I was young, I learned to tell people what I appreciate about what they do or what they mean in my life. Most of all, let people know that you love them. Right now, someone wants to hear that you love them and appreciate them. It might be that elderly person at church, your grandparents, parents, or a friend who is feeling down. If you have such encouragement to give, why not take the courage to do it? Both you and they will feel better for it. Ecclesiastes 9:5-6 tells us that love and hate perish with us so leave the love behind with others!

A post I shared on Facebook spoke to taking advantage of the opportunities to express love today and it resonated with a lot of people:

There are many places I thought I’d return to or people I’d see again. If I didn’t think I’d see you again I’d have lingered a little longer, hugged a little tighter, and left a little slower. Enjoy the moment, the places, and people. Things change. The journey continues. Make the memories worth reliving.

Other posts in this series:

Regret 1: I Sacrificed My Dreams to Please Others
Regret 2: Missed Much by Working Too Much
Regret 4: I Miss My Friends
Regret 5: I Wish I Had Let Myself Be Happier

Regret 2: Missed Much by Working Too Much

Several years ago, a former palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware, wrote a widely circulated article, based on her discussions with dying patients, describing the regrets they shared with her in their final period of life. The top five were featured in an article on her site and she has since turned the article into a book.  Last week the web site addicted2success listed 10 Regrets In Life By Those About To Die. This week I am discussing five of those regrets.

I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. (Ware)

Poorly Focused Career Life

office web

Some people have to work hard and unsatisfying jobs to pay for a lifestyle that requires a lot of money. They sacrifice joy of a delightful career in order to have a certain type of car, a second home, or other signs of  wealth. If a person wants to make this sacrifice, they are free to do it. However, many older people, especially men, wish that they would have pursued a career that they enjoyed and not one that required long hours of unpleasant work. Even working your dream job has many tasks and requirements that are not pleasing but overall the job brings satisfaction. Considering the average person works at least forty hours a week at a job (often more), one should pursue a career they enjoy with people that they are pleased to work with.
I don’t think work should be the central part of our life but a means to help us accomplish more important goals. Serving God should be the center of our lives and work can help us accomplish that heavenly work. Ecclesiastes 2:10 and 18-26 speaks bitterly of the hard work one does while he lives only to leave the things he bought with the money he earned to others who might not appreciate or take care of those things. This was work that was performed under a hot sun and often with sorrow and problems that kept him awake at night. Instead, the writer encourages us to enjoy the work at hand, the simple pleasures of life, and a relationship with God. Working hard for money we cannot spend or enjoy is emptiness.

Non-Career Work Priorities

Even outside of the job world, we can keep ourselves so busy that we do not simply enjoy life. We can get involved with very good charities, social organizations, government, and outside activities and not spend adequate time alone or with family. There are many people and organizations that will take as much time as we will give them and ask for more. It is great to get involved with a charity or organization that helps others because of the impact you can have on other people’s lives in making the world a better place (link). However, you need to determine how much time you will give so you can have time for yourself, your loved ones, and other obligations in your life. As in the previous post, you have to learn to say “no” to good things in order to say “yes” to better things. People will not always understand or appreciate your decision but they don’t have to. They have the responsibility for their choices and consequences, you have a responsibility for yours. They may want more out of you, but you must feel free to give what you want and say “no” to what is beyond those bonds.
My kids are involved with band and so my wife and I are involved with the band boosters. We have a great group of parents and a good band. My wife and I were treasurers and I served as vice-president for a couple of years. The booster club really wanted me to be president but I knew the MANY responsibilities of the job. I declined because to do the job well would take away from my work preaching, writing for this blog, work with two camps close to my heart, and time with my family. I had pressure to be president but a stronger desire to do these other things. If I would have taken the job due to guilt or pride, I don’t think I would have done a good job and all of these other areas would have suffered as well. As it was, I determined to be a good booster club member and supported the president who did a great job.

Godly Direction

For a satisfying life, consider the teaching of Ecclesiastes 9:7-10:

Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do.
Let your garments be always white. Let not oil be lacking on your head.
Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might, for there is no work or thought or knowledge or wisdom in Sheol [the grave], to which you are going. (ESV)
 The advice is to enjoy the pleasures of a simple life. Enjoy the simple pleasures earned through work that you do with your best effort. Enjoy the people in your life. The book of Ecclesiastes points out how trying to find meaning in life in fame, great wisdom, wealth, or pleasure will only result in sorrow. The real life experiences of people in every generation continue to reinforce the wisdom of this book. Remember this the next time you hear of a beautiful (or handsome), wealthy celebrity who is suffering from substance abuse, alcoholism, depression, or who committed suicide because these things did not bring them happiness. What a contrast when you see some who live in poverty who are smiling because the things they value in life are not things.
Remember the words of 1 Timothy 6:6-10:
But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs. (ESV)
Other posts in this series:

Regret 1: I Sacrificed My Dreams to Please Others

Several years ago, a former palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware, wrote a widely circulated article, based on her discussions with dying patients, describing the regrets they shared with her in their final period of life. The top five were featured in an article on her site and she has since turned the article into a book. Last week the web site addicted2success listed 10 Regrets In Life By Those About To Die. This week I’m discussing five of those regrets.

This week I want to look at each of the regrets and some lessons we can learn from them. I would urge you to read the full length article on her site for additional information.

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. (Ware)

Disciples of Christ live a life that follows His teachings and example, reflecting His glory, which includes loving and serving others. Either through guilt or misunderstanding, we can sometimes allow others to have unnecessary influence in our lives or we yield to what they want in our lives instead of what we want. As long as we are following God’s commandments we have great liberty to choose what we will do in life and how we will live. Parents and friends may have ideas on how we should live our lives, where we should live, what career we should pursue, and other matters. We must not forget that our lives were given to us by God and we can make the choices on how to live. Even people who love us dearly may give us terrible or outdated advice.

Career Choices

For example, a young person may say that they want to pursue a particular type of career. Often the reply will be, “You can’t make money doing that” or “You may have a hard time finding a job doing that.” I’ve told young people going into unique careers that older people often respond this way when they don’t know anyone who does that type of job or do not know much about it. In fact, I have heard older people give young people advice to go into a certain career field that was undergoing massive job layoffs! In the past they knew that this kind of job paid well and was stable but their information was outdated. I’m not saying don’t listen to the advice but take it as advice, not the absolute truth. Investigate career paths for yourself. Learn what you have to do to make it succeed and pursue your dream. Perhaps your dream job doesn’t pay a lot but if you can conform your life to live within that pay then you will be successful. There was a career path I would have loved but didn’t pursue it because I listened to the “experts” in my life telling me that it wouldn’t be a good choice. Sadly, I listened to them and gave up something I would have really enjoyed instead of trying to see how I could make it work.

rocks

Sometimes parents will drive their children to live out the dreams they didn’t pursue. A father may have been a good athlete but didn’t play at the college or professional level but pushes his child to do this. The child may want to please his father but does not have the heart for sports that his father did and will be miserable playing. Some people, following the dreams of their parents, pursue careers as accountants, lawyers, business owners, or other high profile jobs and are miserable in those jobs because they wanted another career path. If you are in this situation, discuss your dreams with your parents, be prepared to deal with the objections mentioned in the last paragraph, and share the career path you want to pursue.

Personal Dreams

Sometimes we do not fulfill our dreams because we are so busy trying to please others. We can help other people carry their burdens but each of us has the responsibility to carry their own burdens, Galatians 6:1-5.  Some people will let you carry all of their burdens: do their work, make lots of demands on your time, etc. They might try to make you feel guilty for not doing more but remember they are responsible for their own lives. Many years ago I spent several hours at the house of a husband and wife with marital problems AND problems raising their kids. I gave them some practical things to do to help in both situations. A couple of weeks later they called during the middle of some family time saying, “You need to come over here. We’re having problems.” I asked if they had followed the advice I gave earlier. They said “no.” I told them to discuss these things because I wasn’t going to come over repeat the advice they ignored. I didn’t feel guilty because they had ignored my help before. I would have sacrificed precious time with my family because these people were making poor decisions in their family and until they made different choices they would continue to have the bad consequences.

Your dreams may include time writing, drawing, performing music, gardening, sports, etc. but you are denying enjoying those dreams because of the demands others are putting on you. You need to feel confident telling people “no” so you can tell yourself “yes” to enjoy this life. This is a life in balance that serves and honor others but also honors yourself and your dreams. A quote attributed to Oliver Wendell Holmes (and Benjamin Disreli…but I think it is Holmes) says, “Many people die with their music still in them. Why is this so? Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out.” You do not know how long you have to live, enjoy today. Serve God, serve others, enjoy life yourself.

The Will of God: Pursue Your Dreams

Perhaps you think that wanting to fulfill your dreams is selfish and you must always do things to please others. A comedian once asked, “If we are to serve others, what are the ‘others’ supposed to do?” It is not selfish to pursue the desires of your heart, but it is the will of God. Consider this wisdom from Ecclesiastes 11:9-10:

Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. Walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes. But know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment.Remove vexation from your heart, and put away pain from your body, for youth and the dawn of life are vanity. (ESV)

The inspired wisdom of Solomon encourages the young to pursue what is in his/her heart as long as they are not sinning in pursuing it. If the ways of our heart and what we desire with our eyes is not evil, God says to enjoy it, not to stress about it, and to pursue it while we have the health to do it. In the next chapter he says we are to “fear God and keep His commandments,” reminding us that our desires must be good.

God has blessed you with special characteristics and gifts and you are unique of all people who have ever been made. Follow your dreams and glorify God in your life. Some will rejoice in the life you have chosen and some will never understand. One lesson you must learn early is that anything worth pursuing will have its critics, in achievements you will have people who are jealous, and some will never understand. Let them misunderstand and be critical: you do not have to please them. Ultimately you only have to please God and the person in the mirror.

Do you have regrets for dreams you didn’t pursue or success stories where you pursued your dream even when others could understand? Share those stories or other observations in the comments!

Other Posts in this series:

Regret 2: Missed Much By Working Too Much
 Regret 3: I Wanted the Courage to Express My Feelings
Regret 4: I Miss My Friends
Regret 5: I Wish I Had Let Myself Be Happier

Reflection on a Friend’s Suicide

On November 3, 1998, a close friend drowning in personal problems took his life. He suffered silently from depression avoiding medical help or counseling for dealing with this dreadful condition.  With help he might have handled his problems more realistically instead of viewing the warped vision depression creates. Having struggled with depression myself over the years, I knew the black cloud that can enshroud even the child of God.

Suicide is a difficult issue for those left behind

People rarely discuss suicide so those left behind to suffer must often mourn alone and in confusion. Survivors repeatedly question themselves about what they should have said or noticed. Many are angry with the deceased for not giving them a chance to help, not reaching out to others, for leaving them with unanswered questions and bitter pain, and for not saying goodbye. Too many questions begin with, “If only I would have…” We must remember that one who attempts or commits suicide is not thinking rationally for they would not act on such illogical actions with a sane mind.

Finding a peaceful mind through Jesus

flowerswhiteIf you heart is filled with despair turn to the Great Physician, Jesus. When Jesus sailed to the region of the Gadarenes, in Galilee, a wild man living among the tombs met Him as He disembarked. The man, who tore apart many chains and shackles that could not restrain him, ran to Jesus and worshiped Him. As he worshiped, the unclean spirits, united in one as Legion, begged Jesus not to torment them. Jesus rebuked the spirits and commanded them to depart from the man. A multitude from the city came to Jesus and saw the man, once wild and uncontrollable, sitting in his right mind with Jesus.

Though demon possession is not a problem today, having faded during the early work of the apostles (the epistles do not warn of demon possession and Acts 19 is the last historical mention of possession), Jesus still can heal the troubled hearts and minds of men. Without Jesus, we will likely lose control and drift into despair. However, Jesus, through prayer and His word, can help us regain our senses.

Jesus implored the troubled to seek him for comfort and He would give them rest, Matthew 11:28-30. When the Satan, through the world, exercises the primary influence over our lives chaos, anxiety, and difficulties abound.

  • Chaos; because the world cannot give us wise answers for daily living but only conflicting philosophies and a disordered life.
  • Anxiety; for we cannot have “peace that passes understanding” without complete trust in God (“Casting your cares on Him for He cares for you,” 1 Peter 5:7).
  • Difficulties; because those who do not rely on Christ or their brethren to help in difficult times are placing unnecessary burdens upon themselves and throwing away the most useful resources for dealing with troubles in this life (“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ,” Galatians 6:2).

Sometimes we put too much trust in our own power and strive for independence from God. As a result, we turn to worldly ways to solve spiritual problems and are doomed to fail.

Helping one another

In the shadow of natural disaster and personal tragedies, good people strive to help one another. In the Old West, neighbors would have “barn raisings” in which the community help one family build their barn. If the head of the family died, other families would take care of the survivors to help them get on their feet. Throughout history, people have always united to help ordinary families get through extraordinary difficulties. In times of great personal difficulty and despair we should allow others to help us, pray with us, and support us. It is not a sign of weakness but of strength to ask for help, James 5:16-20; Philippians 2:1-4.

Clinical depression, which lasts for a long time without any apparent reason is a medical issue about which one should talk with his or her doctor. Even here, God’s providence has allowed us to live in a world where doctors understand the medical issues surrounding such feelings and medications exist to help people cope with the chemical imbalances in the body. I know. I am a godly person but have needed medical assistance at times to handle the physical factors that influenced depression. We must be willing to reach out to someone for help. Someone does want to help. There is always the National Suicide Prevention Hotline available with caring volunteers ready to assist: 1-800-273-8255.

When my friend took his life in 1998 it was an election day. Since that day, I have mourned my friend and wished that I could have helped him not make this drastic decision. Yet that day he voted to die. As for me, I vote for life and no matter what disaster or despair may strike, I will still choose life, even if I have to ask my brethren to help me move the lever.

Could You Live Without Internet Celebrity?

Could you live in obscurity? No Facebook celebrity. No personal reality series unfolding on social media. No wide audience knowing what you ate, what you are thinking or doing, or the great people you are with. No sharing music, books, and movies that demonstrate cultural savvy or counter-cultural enlightenment. The only people who know these things are the few you interact with daily in the physical world who love you. Thoughts are shared across the table, not the keyboard, and certainly not on the keyboard under the table. Could you live like this?

What if you wrote a beautiful story or poem, profound article, or other work of art but could not share it with the world? Could you be content with enjoying its beauty yourself? We often create to communicate but could we contently create for creation’s sake?

I am challenged by this thought. It gnaws at me. I love the interaction; the sharing but sometimes it is not sharing. It is broadcasting. Promotion. Diatribe not dialog. That selfish imp inside who cries out to be seen and heard; to be known and loved, even if shallow attention and click-through reaction can be interpreted as love. Was it liked, shared, retweeted, or favorited? Did you see it? Did you care? Do I care? Am I seeing?

socmedia logosFor any career, passion, or achievement, could you be content to enjoy it without broadcasting it? What makes us cry out for attention? Why do some feel the need to regurgitate every thought, feeling, and interest upon their Facebook wall or into the Twitterverse? These are carefully managed presentations of ourselves for the world to see. My profile is not my reality. It is a carefully curated illusion presented for consumption. It is brand “me” for the world to see but, the secret we all know, is that it is not me. It is a caricature of who I am and how I live.

The form, the media, is not the problem. It is how I use the power given to me. Will I use it to feed my ego, create celebrity, riding on an emotional roller coaster of shares, likes, and comments? Can I simply enjoy the act of creation, share it, and walk away. No pathetic lingering at the dashboard to see how often it was read and shared. Perhaps this post could live on my computer, for my eyes only. I’m too weak for that now. It must be posted. It must be shared.

But the bright light of the truth dispels the illusion: Internet fame is real world obscurity. Ask the person on the street if they know the famous blogger you follow and they will answer with a blank stare. The joke is on us. We cannot live in obscurity so we carve our place in the virtual world through copious sharing and posting and find that in all the bleeding and baring our soul, we remain obscure. A raindrop of a tweet in a raging river. A heartfelt post quickly scanned and forgotten, dispelled by Grumpy Cat or the meme-of-the-moment. We face the hard reality: in cyberspace, no one can hear you scream.