Over the years I’ve written several articles and reflections on raising 6 children, including two we “adopted” as teenagers, and plan to write more in the future. I’ve moved these articles to my personal website rhodesdavis.com. You can reach those categories by clicking this link.
Category: Family
Proverbs 15:17 – Fat, Rich, and Miserable
Funny how we look at beautiful houses in nice neighborhoods and think of how great our lives could be if we lived there. Without love it is a well decorated prison where even the best food loses its flavor.
“Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it.” Proverbs 15:17 (ESV)
It was one of the nicest houses I’ve seen. Secluded with a view of the mountains, a clean blue pool surrounded by a beautiful garden, a porch made for celebrating outdoors, large immaculate rooms, and every comfort you could imagine. It was hard to believe that the husband and wife inside had such contempt for each other and were ready to divorce.
But I’d seen it before. Beautiful houses, well furnished, and miserable occupants: a husband and wife who barely talked without arguing, children alienated from their parents and one another, and little happiness to be found. They drove nice cars, were successful in school, business, and the local society clubs but had contempt for one another within the walls of their suburban mansion. One daughter told me, “everybody at church thinks my parents are so great but they would cringe if they knew how they talked to each other and us kids at home.”
I’ve been in homes where guests sat on hand-me-down furniture, sparsely decorated, and if there was a garden it was probably for vegetables to provide relief to the grocery bill. The working TV might be on top of the non-working TV and, if the gathering was sizable, the place setting at dinner wouldn’t match. Yet you would often find particle board bookshelves filled with religious books and pictures of family past and present on the walls throughout the house. Arguments would be the exception, not the rule, as mutual respect and affection were evident in their interactions.
Not all rich houses are occupied by miserable people who loathe one another and some humble houses have contemptible abusive people. The size of the house is not important nor is the prestige of the address or the furnishings. The love the occupants have for one another makes a home. The finest food loses its flavor if eaten in a house filled with hatred. A dinner of herbs found in the yard will seem like a feast for royalty if you are surrounded by love.
Happily, the couple in the opening paragraph rekindled their love for one another, found a deeper love for God, have used their house and their home to be a blessing to others, and help the cause of God in so many ways. And there is love at their table.
Book Review: The 5 Simple Truths of Raising Kids
The author expounds simple truths that seem grounded with research and common sense but it mainly reinforced what I’ve read in other parenting books. If you want to see the latest research on young people’s behaviors and related parenting principles, it is a good resource.
The 5 Simple Truths of Raising Kids
by R. Bradley Snyder
As the parent of 4 kids (and having raised 2 others), I am an avid reader of parenting books as I seek tips and ideas for being a good father. This book has a lot of psychological reporting and survey information for those who value research-focused information over anecdotal advice. However, data must be interpreted properly to yield good advice. The basic concepts in the book: “kids are good” and “parents need to parent” is sound but not new.
The research data provides great insight into the habits of young people that often contrasts with sensationalized media stories and TV/movie dramas. There are probably more positive trends among young people than we realize; however, we must be diligent to direct children towards good decision making.
The author expounds simple truths that seem grounded with research and common sense but it mainly reinforced what I’ve read in other parenting books. If you want to see the latest research on young people’s behaviors and related parenting principles, it is a good resource.
Buy at Amazon (affiliate link)
Regret 5: I Wish I Had Let Myself Be Happier
Several years ago, a former palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware, wrote a widely circulated article, based on her discussions with dying patients, describing the regrets they shared with her in their final period of life. The top five were featured in an article on her site and she has since turned the article into a book. Last week the web site addicted2success listed 10 Regrets In Life By Those About To Die. This week I am discussing five of those regrets.
I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have sillyness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
As Ware observed, “happiness is a choice.” This is wisdom that is often overlooked. We cannot control the situations in our life but we can control how we react to them. I wrote another post on how we can find blessings in adversity. We can choose to see the good or bad in our lives but we must remember that it is our judgment of the events and that the events themselves are neutral. A person may lose their job and consider it a bad event but find an even better job so that the event that was initially considered bad (losing the job) became a great blessing. I take comfort that God makes all things work together for the good for His children, Romans 8:28. Even in the time of darkness we can find sunlight and comfort when we realize this work of God in our lives.
Consider the sadness described in Ecclesiastes 6:1-9:
There is an evil that I have seen under the sun, and it lies heavy on mankind: a man to whom God gives wealth, possessions, and honor, so that he lacks nothing of all that he desires, yet God does not give him power to enjoy them, but a stranger enjoys them. This is vanity; it is a grievous evil. If a man fathers a hundred children and lives many years, so that the days of his years are many, but his soul is not satisfied with life’s good things, and he also has no burial, I say that a stillborn child is better off than he. For it comes in vanity and goes in darkness, and in darkness its name is covered. Moreover, it has not seen the sun or known anything, yet it finds rest rather than he. Even though he should live a thousand years twice over, yet enjoy no good—do not all go to the one place? All the toil of man is for his mouth, yet his appetite is not satisfied. For what advantage has the wise man over the fool? And what does the poor man have who knows how to conduct himself before the living? Better is the sight of the eyes than the wandering of the appetite: this also is vanity and a striving after wind. (ESV)
There was a sight that depressed Solomon and was a burden for men: people blessed by God who did not enjoy or appreciate what they had. It was considered a great thing to have many children but if one had a hundred children and lived a long life but couldn’t be happy with the simple joys of life, a child who was born dead was better off than him! Some work hard but do not appreciate what they have because they are always wanting more. Some cannot appreciate the wisdom they have and so a poor man who knows what is important, who knows how to live life, is better off than the scholar.
We must learn to be happy and content with what we have instead of constantly wanting more. Such is an empty life. Remember the words of 1 Timothy 6:6-10:
But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs. (ESV)
Happiness for Young People
Remember what we observed earlier from Ecclesiastes 11:9-10:
Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. Walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes. But know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment. Remove vexation from your heart, and put away pain from your body, for youth and the dawn of life are vanity. (ESV)
Allow yourself to be happy. Don’t worry about what others think of you. If you are pleasing God and not sinning, do what you enjoy. Enjoy the simple things around you: the warmth of the sun on your face, the smell of a cooking meal, the smile of a friend, the hug of a loved one, time spent doing what you enjoy with people you like, and a hundred other things you can list. Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is a time to laugh and dance. Take the time to be happy.
Other posts in the Series:
Regret 1: I Sacrificed My Dreams to Please Others
Regret 2: Missed Much by Working Too Much
Regret 3: I Wanted the Courage to Express My Feelings
Regret 4: I Miss My Friends
Regret 3: I Wanted the Courage to Express My Feelings
Several years ago, a former palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware, wrote a widely circulated article, based on her discussions with dying patients, describing the regrets they shared with her in their final period of life. The top five were featured in an article on her site and she has since turned the article into a book. Last week the web site addicted2success listed 10 Regrets In Life By Those About To Die. This week I am discussing five of those regrets.
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win. (Ware)
Fear of Feelings
Sometimes we live in fear of how others will react to our feelings and so we hide them instead of sharing them. Sometimes wise to restrain our lips (Proverbs 10:19) and a foolish person lets his annoyance be known at once (Proverbs 12:16). However, there are times when we need to speak up to let our voice be heard and to express our feelings. We may need to express our feelings to protect ourselves from the purposeful or accidental actions of others. Sometimes people are anxious to know what we are really feeling, who we really are, and what we think even if it conflicts with their position.
Feelings are part of what makes us human. Feelings are given to us by God as natural expressions of our inner thoughts and desires. Our feelings must be united with our mind to achieve balance in our lives but we should not consider our feelings wrong or evil. We should not trust our feelings completely but also not deny what they are trying to tell the mind. We must exercise wisdom when we reveal our feelings (Proverbs 13:16) and do so in a way that is productive and helpful (1 Corinthians 8:1). We should not fear what we feel and how others will react.
You Cannot Control the Reaction of Others
An important principle I have taught my children is that you can control what you do but you can’t control how others will react. Someone may react negatively to something you did with a positive intention. You are not responsible for how they react. Likewise, expressing your feelings, your reaction to what they are doing may encourage them to change their behavior so that their actions or words are not destructive or hurtful. You are able to express the respect you expect from others and what behavior you will not tolerate. I have had people start yelling in a discussion and I tell them, “I will leave (or hang up) if you do not change your tone and we will have to talk later but I will not allow you to yell at me.” At times I have had to act on that threat and resume the discussion later but it is necessary to tell others what behavior you will not accept.
Words Unsaid
It is extremely sad to hear someone standing over the casket or grave of a loved one expressing regret over something they didn’t say. Pride may keep us from saying we’re sorry. Some people have difficulty saying “I love you,” “I appreciate you,” or “Thank you.” Simple words that would mean so much to the people in our lives remain unsaid when we do not have the courage to speak these precious feelings. We do not know when we or our loved ones will die. Having lost a lot of special people in my life when I was young, I learned to tell people what I appreciate about what they do or what they mean in my life. Most of all, let people know that you love them. Right now, someone wants to hear that you love them and appreciate them. It might be that elderly person at church, your grandparents, parents, or a friend who is feeling down. If you have such encouragement to give, why not take the courage to do it? Both you and they will feel better for it. Ecclesiastes 9:5-6 tells us that love and hate perish with us so leave the love behind with others!
A post I shared on Facebook spoke to taking advantage of the opportunities to express love today and it resonated with a lot of people:
There are many places I thought I’d return to or people I’d see again. If I didn’t think I’d see you again I’d have lingered a little longer, hugged a little tighter, and left a little slower. Enjoy the moment, the places, and people. Things change. The journey continues. Make the memories worth reliving.
Other posts in this series:
Regret 1: I Sacrificed My Dreams to Please Others
Regret 2: Missed Much by Working Too Much
Regret 4: I Miss My Friends
Regret 5: I Wish I Had Let Myself Be Happier
