Category: Adult/Parent

Regret 4: I Miss My Friends

Several years ago, a former palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware, wrote a widely circulated article, based on her discussions with dying patients, describing the regrets they shared with her in their final period of life. The top five were featured in an article on her site and she has since turned the article into a book.  Last week the web site addicted2success listed 10 Regrets In Life By Those About To Die. This week I am discussing five of those regrets.

I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships. (Ware)

When I was in middle and high school I thought that my friends would be friends forever. Even in our yearbooks we would write that a person is “too good to be forgotten [2good 2b forgotten]”, remembered always, or that we freindswould be friends forever. Yet, with the exception of some I also went to church with, I have no more close contact. I have been reacquainted with some through Facebook, I am not close to them like I was in school. These were people that I spent years of my life with but we pursued different paths in life and grew away from one another. This is an extremely common experience which should encourage us not to sacrifice our values to impress our friends at school because they will probably have little place in our lives even a few months after we graduate.

Occasionally there are friends that mean so much in our lives. We endure much together and have great memories together. However, circumstances or distance may keep us apart. We are blessed with so much technology to stay in touch so maybe this will not be a regret that people continue to have. Even with the many ways to communicate, we must still make the effort to stay in touch with those that we love so that we may remain an important part of each other’s lives.

Value of Friends

The Bible speaks to the great value of friends. Proverbs tells us that a friend loves at all times (17:17) and that there are friends who are closer than relatives (18:24). According to Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 friends have good reward for the work they do together, can lift up the one who falls, and can protect one another. If one has more than one friends he is blessed with even more strength. Proverbs even encourages us to respect the friends of our parents who can be a strength to us and that friends can be more valuable than family at times, Proverbs 27:10.

Take time today to build up the relationships with your friends. Reach out to a friend you have not talked with in a long time to refresh the love between you. Those who are about to leave the earth regret that they do not have a close relationship with those who meant so much to them. As Ware observed, in the final stages of life you do not take comfort in your possessions, you are comforted with relationships.

Other posts in the Series:
Regret 1: I Sacrificed My Dreams to Please Others
Regret 2: Missed Much by Working Too Much
Regret 3: I Wanted the Courage to Express My Feelings
Regret 5: I Wish I Had Let Myself Be Happier

Regret 2: Missed Much by Working Too Much

Several years ago, a former palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware, wrote a widely circulated article, based on her discussions with dying patients, describing the regrets they shared with her in their final period of life. The top five were featured in an article on her site and she has since turned the article into a book.  Last week the web site addicted2success listed 10 Regrets In Life By Those About To Die. This week I am discussing five of those regrets.

I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. (Ware)

Poorly Focused Career Life

office web

Some people have to work hard and unsatisfying jobs to pay for a lifestyle that requires a lot of money. They sacrifice joy of a delightful career in order to have a certain type of car, a second home, or other signs of  wealth. If a person wants to make this sacrifice, they are free to do it. However, many older people, especially men, wish that they would have pursued a career that they enjoyed and not one that required long hours of unpleasant work. Even working your dream job has many tasks and requirements that are not pleasing but overall the job brings satisfaction. Considering the average person works at least forty hours a week at a job (often more), one should pursue a career they enjoy with people that they are pleased to work with.
I don’t think work should be the central part of our life but a means to help us accomplish more important goals. Serving God should be the center of our lives and work can help us accomplish that heavenly work. Ecclesiastes 2:10 and 18-26 speaks bitterly of the hard work one does while he lives only to leave the things he bought with the money he earned to others who might not appreciate or take care of those things. This was work that was performed under a hot sun and often with sorrow and problems that kept him awake at night. Instead, the writer encourages us to enjoy the work at hand, the simple pleasures of life, and a relationship with God. Working hard for money we cannot spend or enjoy is emptiness.

Non-Career Work Priorities

Even outside of the job world, we can keep ourselves so busy that we do not simply enjoy life. We can get involved with very good charities, social organizations, government, and outside activities and not spend adequate time alone or with family. There are many people and organizations that will take as much time as we will give them and ask for more. It is great to get involved with a charity or organization that helps others because of the impact you can have on other people’s lives in making the world a better place (link). However, you need to determine how much time you will give so you can have time for yourself, your loved ones, and other obligations in your life. As in the previous post, you have to learn to say “no” to good things in order to say “yes” to better things. People will not always understand or appreciate your decision but they don’t have to. They have the responsibility for their choices and consequences, you have a responsibility for yours. They may want more out of you, but you must feel free to give what you want and say “no” to what is beyond those bonds.
My kids are involved with band and so my wife and I are involved with the band boosters. We have a great group of parents and a good band. My wife and I were treasurers and I served as vice-president for a couple of years. The booster club really wanted me to be president but I knew the MANY responsibilities of the job. I declined because to do the job well would take away from my work preaching, writing for this blog, work with two camps close to my heart, and time with my family. I had pressure to be president but a stronger desire to do these other things. If I would have taken the job due to guilt or pride, I don’t think I would have done a good job and all of these other areas would have suffered as well. As it was, I determined to be a good booster club member and supported the president who did a great job.

Godly Direction

For a satisfying life, consider the teaching of Ecclesiastes 9:7-10:

Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do.
Let your garments be always white. Let not oil be lacking on your head.
Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might, for there is no work or thought or knowledge or wisdom in Sheol [the grave], to which you are going. (ESV)
 The advice is to enjoy the pleasures of a simple life. Enjoy the simple pleasures earned through work that you do with your best effort. Enjoy the people in your life. The book of Ecclesiastes points out how trying to find meaning in life in fame, great wisdom, wealth, or pleasure will only result in sorrow. The real life experiences of people in every generation continue to reinforce the wisdom of this book. Remember this the next time you hear of a beautiful (or handsome), wealthy celebrity who is suffering from substance abuse, alcoholism, depression, or who committed suicide because these things did not bring them happiness. What a contrast when you see some who live in poverty who are smiling because the things they value in life are not things.
Remember the words of 1 Timothy 6:6-10:
But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs. (ESV)
Other posts in this series:

Regret 1: I Sacrificed My Dreams to Please Others

Several years ago, a former palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware, wrote a widely circulated article, based on her discussions with dying patients, describing the regrets they shared with her in their final period of life. The top five were featured in an article on her site and she has since turned the article into a book. Last week the web site addicted2success listed 10 Regrets In Life By Those About To Die. This week I’m discussing five of those regrets.

This week I want to look at each of the regrets and some lessons we can learn from them. I would urge you to read the full length article on her site for additional information.

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. (Ware)

Disciples of Christ live a life that follows His teachings and example, reflecting His glory, which includes loving and serving others. Either through guilt or misunderstanding, we can sometimes allow others to have unnecessary influence in our lives or we yield to what they want in our lives instead of what we want. As long as we are following God’s commandments we have great liberty to choose what we will do in life and how we will live. Parents and friends may have ideas on how we should live our lives, where we should live, what career we should pursue, and other matters. We must not forget that our lives were given to us by God and we can make the choices on how to live. Even people who love us dearly may give us terrible or outdated advice.

Career Choices

For example, a young person may say that they want to pursue a particular type of career. Often the reply will be, “You can’t make money doing that” or “You may have a hard time finding a job doing that.” I’ve told young people going into unique careers that older people often respond this way when they don’t know anyone who does that type of job or do not know much about it. In fact, I have heard older people give young people advice to go into a certain career field that was undergoing massive job layoffs! In the past they knew that this kind of job paid well and was stable but their information was outdated. I’m not saying don’t listen to the advice but take it as advice, not the absolute truth. Investigate career paths for yourself. Learn what you have to do to make it succeed and pursue your dream. Perhaps your dream job doesn’t pay a lot but if you can conform your life to live within that pay then you will be successful. There was a career path I would have loved but didn’t pursue it because I listened to the “experts” in my life telling me that it wouldn’t be a good choice. Sadly, I listened to them and gave up something I would have really enjoyed instead of trying to see how I could make it work.

rocks

Sometimes parents will drive their children to live out the dreams they didn’t pursue. A father may have been a good athlete but didn’t play at the college or professional level but pushes his child to do this. The child may want to please his father but does not have the heart for sports that his father did and will be miserable playing. Some people, following the dreams of their parents, pursue careers as accountants, lawyers, business owners, or other high profile jobs and are miserable in those jobs because they wanted another career path. If you are in this situation, discuss your dreams with your parents, be prepared to deal with the objections mentioned in the last paragraph, and share the career path you want to pursue.

Personal Dreams

Sometimes we do not fulfill our dreams because we are so busy trying to please others. We can help other people carry their burdens but each of us has the responsibility to carry their own burdens, Galatians 6:1-5.  Some people will let you carry all of their burdens: do their work, make lots of demands on your time, etc. They might try to make you feel guilty for not doing more but remember they are responsible for their own lives. Many years ago I spent several hours at the house of a husband and wife with marital problems AND problems raising their kids. I gave them some practical things to do to help in both situations. A couple of weeks later they called during the middle of some family time saying, “You need to come over here. We’re having problems.” I asked if they had followed the advice I gave earlier. They said “no.” I told them to discuss these things because I wasn’t going to come over repeat the advice they ignored. I didn’t feel guilty because they had ignored my help before. I would have sacrificed precious time with my family because these people were making poor decisions in their family and until they made different choices they would continue to have the bad consequences.

Your dreams may include time writing, drawing, performing music, gardening, sports, etc. but you are denying enjoying those dreams because of the demands others are putting on you. You need to feel confident telling people “no” so you can tell yourself “yes” to enjoy this life. This is a life in balance that serves and honor others but also honors yourself and your dreams. A quote attributed to Oliver Wendell Holmes (and Benjamin Disreli…but I think it is Holmes) says, “Many people die with their music still in them. Why is this so? Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out.” You do not know how long you have to live, enjoy today. Serve God, serve others, enjoy life yourself.

The Will of God: Pursue Your Dreams

Perhaps you think that wanting to fulfill your dreams is selfish and you must always do things to please others. A comedian once asked, “If we are to serve others, what are the ‘others’ supposed to do?” It is not selfish to pursue the desires of your heart, but it is the will of God. Consider this wisdom from Ecclesiastes 11:9-10:

Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. Walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes. But know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment.Remove vexation from your heart, and put away pain from your body, for youth and the dawn of life are vanity. (ESV)

The inspired wisdom of Solomon encourages the young to pursue what is in his/her heart as long as they are not sinning in pursuing it. If the ways of our heart and what we desire with our eyes is not evil, God says to enjoy it, not to stress about it, and to pursue it while we have the health to do it. In the next chapter he says we are to “fear God and keep His commandments,” reminding us that our desires must be good.

God has blessed you with special characteristics and gifts and you are unique of all people who have ever been made. Follow your dreams and glorify God in your life. Some will rejoice in the life you have chosen and some will never understand. One lesson you must learn early is that anything worth pursuing will have its critics, in achievements you will have people who are jealous, and some will never understand. Let them misunderstand and be critical: you do not have to please them. Ultimately you only have to please God and the person in the mirror.

Do you have regrets for dreams you didn’t pursue or success stories where you pursued your dream even when others could understand? Share those stories or other observations in the comments!

Other Posts in this series:

Regret 2: Missed Much By Working Too Much
 Regret 3: I Wanted the Courage to Express My Feelings
Regret 4: I Miss My Friends
Regret 5: I Wish I Had Let Myself Be Happier

Reflection on a Friend’s Suicide

On November 3, 1998, a close friend drowning in personal problems took his life. He suffered silently from depression avoiding medical help or counseling for dealing with this dreadful condition.  With help he might have handled his problems more realistically instead of viewing the warped vision depression creates. Having struggled with depression myself over the years, I knew the black cloud that can enshroud even the child of God.

Suicide is a difficult issue for those left behind

People rarely discuss suicide so those left behind to suffer must often mourn alone and in confusion. Survivors repeatedly question themselves about what they should have said or noticed. Many are angry with the deceased for not giving them a chance to help, not reaching out to others, for leaving them with unanswered questions and bitter pain, and for not saying goodbye. Too many questions begin with, “If only I would have…” We must remember that one who attempts or commits suicide is not thinking rationally for they would not act on such illogical actions with a sane mind.

Finding a peaceful mind through Jesus

flowerswhiteIf you heart is filled with despair turn to the Great Physician, Jesus. When Jesus sailed to the region of the Gadarenes, in Galilee, a wild man living among the tombs met Him as He disembarked. The man, who tore apart many chains and shackles that could not restrain him, ran to Jesus and worshiped Him. As he worshiped, the unclean spirits, united in one as Legion, begged Jesus not to torment them. Jesus rebuked the spirits and commanded them to depart from the man. A multitude from the city came to Jesus and saw the man, once wild and uncontrollable, sitting in his right mind with Jesus.

Though demon possession is not a problem today, having faded during the early work of the apostles (the epistles do not warn of demon possession and Acts 19 is the last historical mention of possession), Jesus still can heal the troubled hearts and minds of men. Without Jesus, we will likely lose control and drift into despair. However, Jesus, through prayer and His word, can help us regain our senses.

Jesus implored the troubled to seek him for comfort and He would give them rest, Matthew 11:28-30. When the Satan, through the world, exercises the primary influence over our lives chaos, anxiety, and difficulties abound.

  • Chaos; because the world cannot give us wise answers for daily living but only conflicting philosophies and a disordered life.
  • Anxiety; for we cannot have “peace that passes understanding” without complete trust in God (“Casting your cares on Him for He cares for you,” 1 Peter 5:7).
  • Difficulties; because those who do not rely on Christ or their brethren to help in difficult times are placing unnecessary burdens upon themselves and throwing away the most useful resources for dealing with troubles in this life (“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ,” Galatians 6:2).

Sometimes we put too much trust in our own power and strive for independence from God. As a result, we turn to worldly ways to solve spiritual problems and are doomed to fail.

Helping one another

In the shadow of natural disaster and personal tragedies, good people strive to help one another. In the Old West, neighbors would have “barn raisings” in which the community help one family build their barn. If the head of the family died, other families would take care of the survivors to help them get on their feet. Throughout history, people have always united to help ordinary families get through extraordinary difficulties. In times of great personal difficulty and despair we should allow others to help us, pray with us, and support us. It is not a sign of weakness but of strength to ask for help, James 5:16-20; Philippians 2:1-4.

Clinical depression, which lasts for a long time without any apparent reason is a medical issue about which one should talk with his or her doctor. Even here, God’s providence has allowed us to live in a world where doctors understand the medical issues surrounding such feelings and medications exist to help people cope with the chemical imbalances in the body. I know. I am a godly person but have needed medical assistance at times to handle the physical factors that influenced depression. We must be willing to reach out to someone for help. Someone does want to help. There is always the National Suicide Prevention Hotline available with caring volunteers ready to assist: 1-800-273-8255.

When my friend took his life in 1998 it was an election day. Since that day, I have mourned my friend and wished that I could have helped him not make this drastic decision. Yet that day he voted to die. As for me, I vote for life and no matter what disaster or despair may strike, I will still choose life, even if I have to ask my brethren to help me move the lever.

8 Groups Changing the World Without Using Church Funds

The church, as described in the New Testament, is limited to what it can financially support although individuals are not limited to what they can support from their finances. For example, individuals can financially support any widow they choose, whereas the church is limited to providing regular support only to faithful widows with demonstrated lives of service and no other family means of support (1 Timothy 5:9-16). The church was “not to be burdened” with responsibilities that belonged to others. The limits to what the church can use its funds for does not limit the effectiveness individual Christians can exercise in God’s service.

Individuals can make a great impact because the giver is closer to, generally engaged with, those in need. An individual who has a special interest in a particular need will continue to be involved in relieving the need while others are invested in relieving other needs. Individual Christians do countless good work to those around them and people in far off places. I know several businessmen who spend time in foreign lands and working with certain needs that few outside of their circle of associates know about.

Instead of complaining that important work will not get done unless the government or church sets up and funds organizations, certain individuals have already seen the needs and worked to solve the problems they identified. Some work on these problems themselves or with groups of likeminded individuals. In some cases they have formed organizations to focus on the need. Here are some organizations that are run by individuals and do not receive money from churches to accomplish their work.

1. 1213 (www.1213online.org) 1213 provides support to volunteers by assisting with physical needs of suffering Christians while the volunteer encourages the spiritual support of the person or family undergoing the trial.  As their website says, “Our mission is not to replace nor supplement the work of the local church, but instead to provide assistance to servants that may not have resources to aid people in need. 1213 will establish a network of volunteers across the country, and eventually around the world, that are embedded in their local communities and ready to serve when needs arise. Funding of this will come from individuals and no contributions will be accepted from churches.”

2. Sacred Selections (www.sacredselections.org) Their website says the purpose of Sacred Selections is to “Sacred Selections is committed to providing the financial means of bringing together the need for and the longing to give love, through the process of adoption.” They are fighting the battle against abortion by financially helping babies find families. I have heard many wonderful things about this organization and the work they are doing to help others.

3. Open Hearts Helping Hands (http://www.openheartshelpinghands.com/index.html) Run by volunteers and receiving no money from any churches, this organization helps Christians in Zimbabwe to relieve various needs in addition to hunger. For the churches that want to help, they will provide direction so the church can meet the need directly but will not act on the church’s behalf.

4. Florida College Camps There are many hundreds of individuals who volunteer thousands of hours to provide fun and spiritual growth for many young people during camps during the summer and winter. There are many camps associated with the Florida College booster clubs throughout the US where kids can have fun in a wholesome and modest atmosphere. Some camps, such at the Alabama Camp, have winter camps as well. You can find more info a the Florida College Camps web page.

5. Other camps are run by brethren such as Rustic Youth Camp are able to provide fun, education, and most importantly, spiritual growth opportunities. They not only provide general summer and winter camps but also special leadership camps for young men and the GEMS camp for young ladies. These camps are sustained with camp fees, private contributions and donations, and countless volunteer hours.

6. Some brethren have visions of providing a secular education combined with a spiritual education for the complete development of young people. Schools such as Athens Bible School were formed to, as their vision states, “…to provide each student with a quality education in a Christian atmosphere by working with the home and family to foster the complete and harmonious development of the whole person: spiritually, mentally, physically, and socially.” I have known many ABS graduates over the years who appreciate the smaller school environment and the religious education they received.

7. There are also schools, such as Florida College Academy that were formed to provide a quality education taught in the context of a God-centered life. Schools like Athens Bible School and Florida College Academy are staffed with highly qualified educators who love God and the children they educate.

8. Florida College (www.floridacollege.edu) I am biased to recommend this fine accredited liberal arts college in a suburb of Tampa, FL that offers two and four year programs because I attended there for two years. It has a great selection of Bible classes, morning devotions, and a faculty and staff comprised of Christians. Their focus is on providing a quality education in a Christian atmosphere without taking contributions from churches. From the beginning it has been funded with individual contributions and tuition.

Individuals able to do some amazing things to the glory of God in the lives they touch whether alone or in joint effort with other like-minded people. These examples of individuals working together demonstrate the variety of things that can be accomplished to make this world a better place without the need to solicit church funds.