12 Ways To Honor A Deceased Loved One

In the articles on how our deceased loved ones do not watch over us and do not become angels, I noted that our attempts to honor our loved ones must not dishonor God and take glory and credit that belongs to Him alone. Since those who have died no longer have anything to do with this world, how can we honor their memory?
  1. Sympathy Card to Loved Ones – You can send a sympathy card to the family or special friends of the deceased so they will know you are thinking about them. You may want to include a single positive memory of the deceased or lessons you learned from them. It is comforting to know that your loved one had a positive impact on the lives of others. Don’t talk about how you used to party or get into trouble together as this may not have been positive in the eyes of the grieving.
  2. Provide Help During The Transition – If the deceased was a parent, the surviving parent might appreciate help with the children while they take care of some of the financial and legal affairs that accompany someone’s death. Months after the death, offer to take the kids to the park or out to eat. If a husband died, help with yard work or household repairs might be needed. If a wife died, help with household chores, laundry, and meals would be greatly appreciated. This help, especially when offered long after the funeral is appreciated.
  3. Charitable Donation – If a person died of a disease, sometimes the family will ask that “in lieu of flowers” (instead of spending money on flowers for the funeral) make a donation to an organization that raises funds to fight the disease and help its victims. Even if the family does not request this, you can make the donation and send a sympathy card to let them know how much you gave to what organization in memory of the deceased.
  4. Memorial Donation – Similar to the charitable donation, you can donate money to a general scholarship fund or provide funds for a project in the name of the deceased. On a couple of occasions I have donated money to the Florida College library and asked them to purchase materials in honor of the deceased. They will usually tell you what was purchased and put a special label in the front of the book with the name of the person you want to honor. Several friends purchased materials for a church classroom in honor a preacher’s wife who was very active in teaching young people. Occasionally a special fund is set up to help provide an education for the children of the deceased or otherwise honor their memory.
  5. Record your memories – We think our memories will be crystal clear forever but scientific studies demonstrate that they blend with other memories and sometimes are distorted or the details forgotten. When the memories of the loved one are fresh, record special times together, the type of things you talked about, private jokes, lessons learned, and your feelings about their absence. This will not only preserve memories that you can revisit often, it will help you come to grips with your loss.
  6. Scrapbook – Put together a scrapbook of pictures, mementos, the newspaper obituary, and written reminisces of what you did with that person and what you learned from them. If the departed loved one has small children, you can share these things with them when they grow up and will have questions about who their loved one was and their impact on the lives of others. I love to hear people talk about good memories of my father especially since he died when I was 5 years old.
  7. Create a Collection – If the departed was creative, you can collect their drawings, writing, poems, music, photos, or photos of large creations (sculptures, multi-media work) and create a memorial work. Publish the collection on a web site or blog, create a memory book through a print-on-demand service (or copy store like Office Depot or Fedex/Kinkos), or have a show to demonstrate the work and share stories. I knew some friends of a young boy who was a talented cartoonist who collected his drawings and published a book after his death and it was a welcome tribute and provided comfort to his friends and family.
  8. Memorial Web Page– – A Google search for “memorial web pages (or sites)” yields results for companies that provide web space to share media and record the life story of the deceased. Immediate family members can “memorialize” a Facebook account to preserve it and restrict access to friends only (see http://www.facebook.com/help/?page=842)
  9. Memorial Gathering– Host a party or dinner to honor and reminisce about the departed loved one. This does not have to be immediately surrounding the funeral, in fact, it might be good to wait a couple of weeks to allow the initial shock and pain to be felt and the grieving to start. Write and/or record stories and scan or collect pictures to share with the group (maybe on a memorial web page). An important part of the gathering will be to comfort one another and remember the good times spent with the deceased. Some ideas from my article on Writing a Memorable Eulogy would be helpful.
  10. Finish Their Work – Was there a big project they were working on at the time of their death? Organize a group to finish the work. If they were involved with a charity or perhaps there was a project they were doing for the family, a lot of friends and family coming together to finish the project in their memory is a good way to accomplish something that was obviously important to the departed. The family of Michael Mason published his autobiography of his challenging life with MD. The book moves the reader from laughter to tears and provides great insight into the physical and emotional challenges of living with Muscular Distrophy. I highly recommend that you download and read his book In Body Only.
  11. Remembering Special Days – Birthdays, holidays, and the anniversary of the death will be difficult for the immediate family in the first few years especially. Mark on your calendar to call, visit, or send a card to the loved ones to remind them that you are thinking of them, praying for them, and you are remembering the loved one as well. After the initial frenzy surrounding the funeral, the immediate family can sometimes feel lonely or isolated and may wonder if everyone has forgotten the deceased. Reminding them of your love for them and the departed is comforting.
  12. Use Your Comfort to Comfort Others – As you move through the grieving process, it is often helpful to record your memories of the deceased and the spiritual lessons you are learning in the process. As you understand and accept God’s care and comfort, share that comfort with others who are grieving through conversations and the written word. My friend David Tant wrote an article several years ago about his conversations with me and my wife and others as he was grieving the loss of his father and settling his father’s financial affairs. His article has provided comfort on many occasions when I was grieving. The article is called “When Do The Tears Stop” and can be found here:

Do We Become Angels When We Die?

Many years ago I attended the very sad funeral of a young Christian couple who lost twins at birth. I was very surprised when I read the poem and message distributed at the funeral that described the parent’s joy knowing that their children were now guardian angels watching over the couple. Since that time I have known of other Christians who said that their grandparents were now angels watching over them. A very quick reading of the scriptures reveals that we do not become angels when we die.

I am not surprised that many people in the world believe that dead loved ones become angels to watch over them. The concept has been popularized in movies, television shows, songs, and books. Many years ago, studies of angels were very popular but often misguided as little has been revealed about angels but the things that are revealed contradicted much of this popular teaching. However, the foundation of a Christian’s beliefs is what is written in God’s word, not popular literature.

The Bible teaches that angels are created beings different from man, Psalm 148:2-5. In describing the superiority of Christ above the angels, the Hebrew writer describes angels as “ministering spirits sent out to serve for the sake of those who are to inherit salvation?” (Hebrews 1:14) In addition, the mission of Christ was not to serve the angels, especially those who fell, but to serve men, Hebrews 2:16. Christ will confess the name of the faithful before the angels, Revelation 3:5. Angels are special beings, different from men and when we die we do not become angels (or demons either). Likewise, angels do not become people.

To speak of our deceased loved ones as angels watching over us is entirely without scriptural authority and the Bible is the only authority on the spiritual realm. As a previous article noted, our dead loved ones do not watch over us as non-angelic beings either. They no longer have a part in this world.

Since you will not be able to help those you love after you die, either as an angel or spiritual being, do everything you can today to express your love and concern for them and especially to share the gospel with those who are lost. Once we have left this earth, we may be greatly concerned about the spiritual situation of people here on this earth but will be powerless to do anything to help them, Luke 16:19-31.

Do Not Ask The Dead To Help The Living

Dealing with the loss of a close relative or friend is one of the most traumatic things someone can endure. We sense the loss of their physical presence and the ability to talk with them frequently. If they were a source of encouragement and guidance their absence will make us yearn for their leadership. In desperate situations, some people have wasted money on mediums and others who claim to communicate with the dead in order to receive some final message or to maintain contact. I fear that many Christians are practicing this in a more subtle way and are, without realizing it, taking glory from God.

Some eastern religions have a custom of lighting candles and preparing food to appease dead loved ones. They will pray to their loved ones for help in their life. Christians have long answered this with an exhortation that such people pray to God who can truly help them. However, I am witnessing more and more Christians asking dead relatives and friends to intervene in the matters of this world. I have heard Christians attributing the strength they had to overcome a certain obstacle to a departed loved one—not that the loved one was an inspiration to them or something they were taught helped them but that the loved one was actively helping them. They may even pray for them to intervene with God on their behalf.

We must acknowledge that nowhere in Scriptures are we commanded or encouraged to ask dead loved ones to intervene with God on our behalf since Jesus is our intercessor  and He “ever lives to make intercession for us” (Hebrews 7:25). Nor do we find authority to ask them to watch over us daily or during a special time of need. Again, it is Jesus who can sympathize with our weaknesses and is the only at the throne of God’s grace that we can “receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need (Hebrews 4:25).” We should not make requests to departed loved ones, Bible characters, or other faithful brethren that alone should be addressed to the Father through Jesus.

Since this is the case, if we go to our deceased loved one–or anyone who lived on this earth–to ask help in a time of need, we are not only doing it without authority but it is an unintended insult to God who really can assist us. In the Old Testament God considered it an insult! Isaiah 8:19 says, “… should not a people inquire of their God? Should they inquire of the dead on behalf of the living?”

Those who are deceased have no power at all in this world. In the story of the Rich Man and Lazarus, Luke 16:19-31, the rich man was concerned about the spiritual welfare of his brothers. However, he could do nothing about them (v.26 says it was impossible for him to return). He could not teach them or lead them to truth. Even Lazarus was not permitted to return to help them. The clear teaching of this passage is that we sever our relationship with the world at death. Ecclesiastes 9:6 says we no longer share in the things of this world. Any person who lived on this earth does not have the power of God upon their death, do not have his divine knowledge, and no matter how much they loved us, God loves us infinitely more!

I do not want to be insensitive and and know firsthand the depth of pain one feels when grieving a loved one, but to say that the dearly departed are working among us reflects an ignorance of God’s word on this subject and takes much deserved glory away from God. We cannot honor our departed loved one by dishonoring God.

Do our departed loved ones become angels when they die? The next article will address this.

Focusing on the Cross During the Lord’s Supper

Every Lord’s Day we are blessed with an opportunity to reflect on the wonderful sacrifice Jesus made for our salvation when we partake of the Lord’s Supper. Though God intended this to be a time of thoughtful meditation, it can sometimes be a frustrating part of worship. Sometimes other people distract us so that, instead of thinking of Jesus’ sacrifice, we are concentrating on them and their activities. Sometimes our minds drift to lunch plans, the sporting events, or other interests. It frustrates us when, as the Lord’s Supper ends, we realize that our mind has been far from the cross of Jesus. We often pray that the Lord will help us to focus on the sacred event because we know that we can be easily distracted. Over the years, this frustration has caused me to seek ways to keep my mind focused on Jesus’ offering for my sins and my obligation to keep the covenant that I made with God through His blood. Here are some things that have helped me.

  • Read the Biblical texts that describe His suffering and death for me. The gospels record the historical events in Matthew 26-27; Mark 14-15; Luke 22-23; and John 18-19. You may find it helpful to read and reread certain sections of each account for a month and meditate on the events that transpired. If you do this for a few months, you will understand the story surrounding the crucifixion of Jesus much better.
  • Read prophetic passages that describe the death of Jesus and the reasons for His sacrifice. These help me better understand the eternal plan for Jesus’ death. Psalm 22 describes the crucifixion from the point of view of the cross. It describes the scene of Calvary from Jesus’ perspective. Though it appeared that God had forsaken Jesus, it is clear from verses 21-24 that the Father did not forsake Him, He did not hide His face from His Son, but He heard His Son’s cry. Isaiah 53 describes the crucifixion from the perspective of one standing below the cross of Jesus and observing the surrounding events. Not only did Isaiah vividly describe the suffering of Jesus and the viciousness of the mob that crucified Him, he also reflected on the effect of Jesus’ sacrifice on our salvation. Isaiah emphasized our sinfulness as the reason for Jesus’ death.
  • Read 1 Corinthians 11:17-34. In this passage, Paul rebuked the Corinthians for abuses in their observance of the Lord’s Supper and gave them instructions for observing the feast in a proper manner. He reminded them of Jesus’ command, the seriousness of the memorial, and a warning that those who partake in an unworthy manner would be condemned.
  • Read one of the many songs that describe the crucifixion of Jesus. So many songs help us picture the sacrifice of Jesus and remind us of our unworthiness to receive such a wonderful gift. You might want to choose a song and meditate on its message through the feast. Often you will find profound applications that you may have missed while singing the song.
  • Write your thoughts on the sacrifice of Jesus and its meaning in your life. If you feel uncomfortable doing this during the supper, perhaps you could write your observances down at home and read and reflect on the thoughts when you observe the communion of our Lord.

These are just a few suggestions to help you maintain a proper focus on this important weekly occasion. Do not let its frequency lead you to complacency or improper observance.

Stealing Music and Software – Does Digital Data Make Stealing OK?

Articles about song swapping have filled the newspapers and web sites for years. Song swapping is the practice of recording songs from commercially produced CDs or purchasing them from Internet sites  and sending the individual songs to people who did not purchase the music. Some companies developed web sites and software to make it easy and free to swap songs, movies, books, and other commercial (sold) products.

At different times, companies that control the production and distribution of music have filed lawsuits against some of the offenders charging that their activities defrauded the music companies of the profits due them. Some of these suits were filed against families whose children downloaded hundreds, sometimes thousands, of songs. The media immediately focused on the parents, some who had low incomes, who faced stiff fines for their children’s copyright violations. These stories highlighted the shock of the parents receiving notice of the charges against them. The stories I read failed to highlight the parent’s lack of oversight of their children’s online activities. With the proliferation of pornography, stalkers, and improper reading material on the Internet, parents are foolish not to practice oversight of their children’s online activities.

In the whole debate over song swapping, one issue seemed neglected: stealing. In order to produce a commercially available CD, someone must rent a studio, hire people to work in the studio to insure the best sound quality and, after the musicians have finished recording, edit and put together the finished product. Artists must create the artwork for the CD jacket and graphic designers must put together the artwork and words together in the jacket. The CD master copy must be sent to a production facility where teams of people copy the CD, pack and seal the discs, and prepare them for distribution around the world. Software professionals must prepare the music downloadable files that will be sold over the Internet through iTunes and other music stores. Everyone in this process—the musicians, artists, production and distribution crews, and industry executives who take the financial risk of hiring musicians—must be paid for their work. The Bible teaches that “if a man doesn’t work, neither should he eat,” 2 Thessalonians 3:10 and that “the laborer is worthy of his wages,” 1 Timothy 5:18. The only way that these will not be paid is if someone is able to enjoy the product without paying for it.

When I started with computers many years ago, a friend told me about software piracy—copying computer software for your personal use that you did not pay for. He showed me the great difficulty in writing computer software and asked how I would feel if I sacrificed my time to write a computer program or did it full time as my job and found that hundreds or thousands of people were using it without paying me. Not only would I not be paid for my efforts which benefitted these other people (and they obviously appreciated my product), I would have to seek some other way to make money. He reminded me of the important words of Jesus, “Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them,” Matthew 7:12. I would not want others stealing from me, therefore I will not steal from them by copying software or music that I did not purchase. Yet many people, even Christians, use expensive computer software that they did not pay for or have the right to copy on their computer. Perhaps they justify it by bemoaning the expense of the computer software whose profits will go to already wealthy companies. Maybe they consider that the work that they do using the software for Bible classes, preaching, or teaching justifies their use of software that they did not purchase.

Some prosecuted song swappers and their defenders complained that the record companies made too much money and so they were justified in their activity. Perhaps a socialist or communistic mindset rationalizes stealing because others have so much money. However, would a person be justified in stealing a car because the automakers have so much money? Can I steal a book from the bookstore because the bookseller and the publishers make so much money? Can I leave a restaurant without paying because the owners made a profit the last month? Can I rob a bank because they make so much money? Can I steal money or credit cards from a rich person since they have so much money?

Is it right to walk into the music store and take a CD or DVD without paying? Is it right to shoplift a copy of computer software or a game? Stealing the product—computer software or copyrighted music— using the computer is no different than shoplifting.

We must not rationalize our actions because others are doing it without being caught. The Christian is called to a higher standard – we do right because it is the right thing to do.