School Bullying 4: Cyberbullying

January 24, 2012

Rhodes Davis Relationships, School Leave a comment

Cyberbullying is a new type of bullying that arose with the introduction of email, texting, and social networks such as Twitter, MySpace, and Facebook. StopBullying.gov describes cyberbulling as:

  • Sending hurtful, rude, or mean text messages to others
  • Spreading rumors or lies about others by e-mail or on social networks
  • Creating websites, videos or social media profiles that embarrass, humiliate, or make fun of others

This type of bullying takes place at all hours of the day and does not require the bully and their victim to interact in the physical world. Sometimes the bully can act anonymously so the victim doesn’t even know who the bully is. The mean messages can be sent repeatedly to harass the victim and can even be automated. As a result, the victim can feel that there is no safe place to avoid the bully or bullies and will fear that their reputation is being ruined.

The first thing you have to remember about cyberbullies is that they are cowards. They strike from a distance and the anonymous bullies are the greatest cowards. There are people who occasionally want to post mean messages in response to my articles. They are not wanting to discuss differences of opinion but just want to insult me and move on. In the Internet world they are called trolls and most bloggers just ignore them because they obviously have nothing good to contribute to the conversation.

It is more difficult when the person attacking you is doing so in school and online. Victims of cyberbullying may not want to go to school to hear how others responded to the online attacks and may start to feel bad about themselves. As with bullies in the physical world, there are some things you can do (much of the advice was from StopBullying.gov).

  1. Don’t Start the Bullying. Be careful what you say online about other people. Some people start bullying because they think they were wronged by someone and they are lashing out immaturely. Don’t reveal anything that might embarrass others (even if it is true) or to put another person down. The old advice of “if you can’t say anything nice about someone, don’t say anything at all” is wise online.
  2. Don’t Reveal Anything Embarrassing About Yourself. Don’t post secrets or other things that you wouldn’t want everyone in school to know. Don’t take immodest pictures of yourself and certainly don’t post such pictures! Once information is published you have no control over where it goes.
  3. Restrict Your Friends List and Followers. Make sure your privacy settings on social networks only reveal things to your friends. Stalkers look for public pages for victims so there is more reason than just cyberbullying to restrict your posts and pictures to friends. Keep your tweets private and only share with your friends. This will allow you to control what is placed on your wall and who sees your information.
  4. Do Not Retaliate. If someone starts cyberbullying, do not respond online!! Do not allow them to draw you into a fight. Deal with the problem offline.
  5. Block the Cyberbully. Thankfully the technology exists to block phone numbers and social network users. Stop them from accessing your accounts or phone if possible.
  6. Report the Cyberbully. As with other bullying, get the adults involved. Most online services have rules against using their services to attack others. Reporting the abuse to the service provider will often get the account suspended while the provider investigates the user’s posts. If they find that there is abuse they will close the account. School officials will also want to confront the bully to stop them from attacking others as well and perhaps help the bully get counseling to help them to quit their abuse.
  7. Seek Help. Get help from adults to deal with the emotional effects of the bullying. Even though you know what the person said wasn’t true, it sometimes helps to have someone who is older and more experienced to help you deal with any lingering effects of the bully’s actions and to put it behind you.

For all bullying, there is a wealth of helpful information online. Do a Google search and discuss some of the things that you find with your parents. The adults who love you want to help you and often you can help them by educating them on how they can assist.

What advice would you give others for dealing with cyberbullies?

School Bullying 3: The Jerk

January 20, 2012

Rhodes Davis Relationships, School Leave a comment

In the previous article we discussed bullying by the violent unstable kid, sometimes called extreme bullying. In this article we’ll examine how to deal with the bully who may act violent but is just a jerk.  The jerk is simply someone who likes to pick on others to make himself feel better but is pretty scared deep inside. Having to deal with the bully who is a jerk is not easy to deal with but often this person is so insecure that when you stand up to them, they will shrink away from you.

Sometimes this kid is jealous of you or feels threatened by you and so they feel that they must attack you to make them look stronger. Ever seen a small dog bark loudly to a much larger dog? These bullies react in a similar way. They don’t like that you are different or they perceive that you are weak so they pick on you. Here are some tips on how to deal with them.

  1. Avoid them if possible. As with the violent bully, there is no sense in creating problems where there are none. Don’t try to hang around with a known bully but you should not live in fear of them either
  2. Don’t give them the reaction they are seeking. Some bullies want you to cry or act scared. They cannot stand it when you do not act scared and, in fact, you act like you don’t care. Like spoiled kids they hate it most when you just ignore them. If they say something to you to hurt you or try to get you to argue or yell at them and you just look at them blankly then turn around, they may say another thing or two but then will often leave you alone and try to find someone else.
  3. Stand up to them. If they do confront you and will not accept a blank stare for an answer, calmly but firmly tell them to leave you alone. If they persist, more firmly and a little more loudly tell them to leave you alone and walk away. The jerk does not want the attention of an adult (remember they are acting out of fear inside), they will often stop when they know they might get in trouble. Again, ignore any comments they make while you are walking away. What they say about you doesn’t matter!
  4. Report bullying. As in the first article, if they do not quit bullying you, report it to an adult. The jerk will not welcome the attention from the school officials and will stay away from you to avoid more problems in the future.
  5. Pray for them. It’s hard to think that one could pray for good to come to their enemies but that is exactly what Jesus taught. Ultimately you should desire that they turn away from being a jerk and embrace the love of Jesus. Think how much happier they will be and how much better the world will be if they were to embrace kindness and goodness. In any interaction with them reflect the beauty of Christ in your life and show kindness to them. They are expecting others to react angrily to them so your unexpected kindness may light the way to a better way of living.

Most of all, remember that anything the bully says reveals more about who they are than who you are. Don’t listen when they talk about what you wear, your hair, or other physical features. When you hear the words, picture the crying kid inside of them that wants love and attention and is not receiving it. They are trying to hurt you because they are hurting. Do not take to heart what they are saying; it is not based in reality.

When I was in high school there was an older and taller kid who used to pick on me a lot. He’d thump my ear when I sat in front of him or poke me and would say dumb things. One day I was fed up and turned around and asked, “What joy do you get in picking on me? I’m not telling you to stop but I need to know how it is making you happy because it is really bugging me.” He got this funny look on his face and said, “I don’t know. I just do it.” After that he didn’t pick on me again and, in fact, we became friends and had fun joking around together. One day this older and bigger kid who was definitely a violent bully started picking on me, challenging me to a fight, when the teacher left the room. I just ignored him and some of my classmates were telling him to leave me alone. The ear thumper came around and tackled the other kid and started to fight with him. It wasn’t the reaction I wanted but it wasn’t the only time that someone who used to pick on me actually protected me from another bully. But that is a story for another time.

School Bullying 2: The Violent Kid

January 18, 2012

Rhodes Davis Choices, Relationships, School Leave a comment

There are two kinds of bullies that you will typically face: the violent kid and the jerk. The violent kid is mentally unstable and gets a thrill from hurting others. The jerk is simply someone who likes to pick on others to make himself feel better but is pretty scared deep inside. We’ll talk about the jerk in the next article.

The violent kid is someone to avoid. Sometimes this person has been the victim of terrible abuse and has a lot of anger that he directs towards others. He sometimes lashes out and hurts others because he is hurting deep inside. Sometimes he or she has grown up where the adults are very violent and so he has learned from their example. This type of person does not want anyone to take advantage of them and will resort to violence to demand respect that they are not getting by acting respectful of others.

Here are some suggestions for dealing with this kind of bully:

  1. Avoid them if possible.There is no shame in taking a longer way home or avoiding certain bathrooms in your school to avoid the places where these bullies hang out. With some of these people, if you give them their room they will leave you alone. They do not like someone coming into their territory. I know it sounds foolish (even stupid), but you be smart and avoid their path. Proverbs 27:12 says, “The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.”
  2. Remember the safety in numbers. If you cannot avoid them, do not cross their path alone. Violent bullies like to get people alone and are not as comfortable confronting a group. The more people you have with you, the greater the odds that if they do try to pick on you, the people you are with will come to your defense or, if in the unlikely event it becomes violent, someone can run for help.
  3. If they bully you, walk away. Although they want you to get mad and hit them, you do not want to get in a fight with them. Remember, they are unstable and may be very violent if they get aggravated and not think clearly. The best thing you can do is to say “I don’t want any trouble” and just walk away. If they grab you, yell “leave me alone” and try to jerk yourself away. Sometimes the yelling bringing attention to them will lead them to back off. Even if you have to run and endure their laughing, it is better to do that and get an adult to intervene.
  4. Report bullying. As in the first article, if you do become a victim of their bullying, report it to an adult. Often these very violent kids have been in trouble with the school, and sometimes the police, before and they need to be stopped before they hurt someone seriously. If you see them picking on someone else, report it as well.
  5. Pray for them. It’s hard to think that one could pray for good to come to their enemies but that is exactly what Jesus taught. Ultimately you should desire that they turn away from violence and embrace the love of Jesus. Think how much happier they will be and how much better the world will be if they were to embrace kindness and goodness. In any interaction with them reflect the beauty of Christ in your life and show kindness to them. They are expecting others to be mean and violent to them so your unexpected kindness may light the way to a better way of living.
My story: When I was in college I was in a room with a bunch of friends joking around and talking. There were about 15 of us at least and we were having a great time. Two guys from downstairs came busting in the room mad at us and full of bad attitude. They were basketball players so they were much taller and in better physical shape than most of us. One of them barked, “Whose room is this?” to which a guy who was not an athlete and spoke nervously, replied, “Me.” The bully bent over, pointed his finger in his face and started yelling at him about all kind of things which was obviously upsetting the boy. It seemed that the more fear this kid showed the more the bully yelled.
We were all shocked. Finally, I said sharply and firmly, “Leave him alone.” The bully stopped dead in his sentence and with eyes full of wrath yelled, “Who said that?” I was pretty perturbed by this point and said (again sharply and firmly, but not yelling), “I did.” He walked in front of me, bent down, and pointed his finger in my face touching my nose but not saying anything. I knew that if we got in a fight I’d probably be beat up but I stared in his eyes sending a message “you will not intimidate me.” We stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity but was only about 30 seconds. He was caught off guard. I wouldn’t punch him, I wasn’t backing down in fear, but I wasn’t yelling either. After the stare-down, he just said, “Ya’ll keep it down” and he and his friend left the room. I did report it to the school officials the next day and we didn’t have trouble with him again. Later on everything was fine and we got along fine. No one tried to get him back through revenge and he didn’t try to start trouble anymore.
Remember, these violent, or extreme, bullies are used to living with violence and are comfortable with hurting others seriously. It is best to involve adults, often including the police, who are better equipped to handle their violence.

Do you have any suggestions for how to deal with encounters  with violent bullies?

School Bullying 1: The Tragic Costs

January 16, 2012

Rhodes Davis Choices, Relationships, School Leave a comment

School bullying comes in various forms and none are a joy to experience. Some bullies are violent and unstable, some are insecure and mean, and others were victims of bullying and so they are lashing out at someone else. There are kids who bully others so they can be accepted as peers of the bullies and not become victims themselves. There are many reasons why kids might bully other kids but there is no right reason for it to take place.

Bullying is wrong

Bullying is wrong because they are not following the example of Jesus who wanted us to love others, even our enemies. Paul told us to esteem others better than ourselves in Philippians 2:3:

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.

We are to serve others and be a light to show the example of Christ. A bully introduces darkness into someone’s world, not light. Sadly, there are kids who have killed themselves because they were tired of being the victim of bullies. How sad to think that you could contribute to someone feeling so bad about themselves that they would take their own life!

Don’t Be A Bully

If you are picking on kids because they are younger, smaller, or different from you, please stop. Stop now. You are not making yourself look bigger or better, although you may get some laughs when you pick on someone. You know that you don’t feel better deep down inside when you do it. You need to know that you are losing the respect of others although they may not tell you to your face. Remember also that bullies often become the victim of bigger bullies who want to prove that they are the boss, not you.

Don’t Be Bullied

If you are the victim of a bully, speak up. When I was in school teachers and the principal might take reports a bully seriously or might not. The world is different today and school officials usually take reports of bullying very seriously. Tell your parents and teachers what is occurring and how it affects you. The administrators will talk with the parents and the student about the behavior and that they want it stopped. If the bully gives you a hard time for telling on him, report it again. The bully will eventually learn to be quiet.

When Jesus told us to turn the other cheek, He was not saying that it is fine for everyone in the world to abuse you. We do not need to be vengeful when others wrong us but we can ask our parents and teachers to stop the bullying. If the adults you are talking to aren’t helping, find other adults to help until the bullying stops.

Protect Others

If you see someone being bullied, do not join in the taunting or picking. Don’t walk by and ignore it either. Stop it either by getting an adult to intervene or, if you feel comfortable that taking up for the victim you will not start a fight or endanger yourself, tell the bully to stop and leave the victim alone. If he does not, immediately get an adult to step in, don’t try to do good by starting a fight. In most cases, someone standing up for the victim is enough to make the bully feel uncomfortable and leave, especially if others tell him to quit after you speak up. I’ve had to deal with bullies in my life and appreciated when others stood up for me.

The Tragic Costs

As I noted above, there are some kids who will commit suicide to get relief from bullying. If you are a victim, get help from adults to stop the bully and if they do not listen, find other adults who will help you. The situation is never so bad that you should want to kill yourself. Most of the kids you are in school with you will never see again when you are out of school and they will have no influence in your life. It is wrong for people to pick on you and you have every right to demand that it cease. The unhappiness and trouble caused by bullying is an unnecessary pain that some people have to endure. I know firsthand from experiences I’ve had with bullies when I was in school. But you can be stronger for overcoming this unfortunate circumstance.

In the next few articles we will discuss cyber-bullying and the two types of bullies: the violent bully and the jerk.

Problems With The “I Love Jesus But I’m Not Religous” Attitude

January 14, 2012

Rhodes Davis Bible, Godliness, Knowing God 4 Comments

Bumper stickers, T-shirts, viral YouTube videos, and pop religion books are filled with the pious sounding mantras of “I love Jesus but I’m not religious” or “I’m spiritual, but not religious.” Though presented as a humble and simple declaration of faith in Jesus alone, it is delivered with a spirit of judgment and superiority over Christians who attend worship services and strive to live holy lives in an ungodly world. Adherents to this attitude emphasize the grace of God as all Christians should, yet teach it as a grace that makes no demands on the believer; a concept foreign to the gospel. They frequently quote Matthew 7:1 “Judge not, that you be not judged” but generally not the rest of the passage or the many other New Testament passages that require Christians to make judgments about themselves and others. This attitude is a show of piety but in words and actions they deny the Jesus they claim to exalt.

Religion Defined: We must first understand what it is we are rejecting if we reject religion. There are many good dictionaries one could consult. Consider this definition from Dictionary.com that represents what I found with other sources:

“a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.”

It appears from the articles and videos promoting this attitude that it is the ritual observances, organization of believers, and moral code governing affairs that believers are required to follow that it is the source of their grief.

Problem Considered: To be an acceptable attitude to God it must be demonstrated that Jesus condemned ritual observances, the organization of believers into a group, and a moral code governing affairs that believers are required to follow. However, if the scriptures demonstrate that Jesus encouraged and established these things then it is the attitude of these people that is out of step with Jesus. The latter is, in fact, what we find in the scriptures.

Problem 1: Jesus was very religious when he lived as a man

When Jesus lived as a man he had reverence for the Old Law and was obedient to it. In Matthew 5:17 he said that he came to fulfill the Old Law. Matthew 5:19-20 records Jesus condemnation of those who took a casual view of adherence to the law and urged his hearers to be exceedingly righteous. He condemned the Sadducees because they didn’t know the scriptures and embraced error as a result, Matthew 22:29. Many conflicts with the Pharisees occurred when Jesus violated their traditions, not the Old Law itself. To reinforce the seriousness of obedience, when discussing judgment, Jesus said he’d send his angels to remove those who cause sin and are law-breakers from the kingdom, Matthew 13:41.

He condemned those who disobeyed the Old Law by following man-made traditions. In Matthew 7:21-23, Jesus condemned those who claimed to follow him, even doing great works, but had no relationship with him. The problem was not adherence to ritual or good works but expecting good works apart from a relationship with Jesus to have any effect.

Jesus is praised for keeping the law without sin, Hebrews 7:26. His religious life is evident as he studied in the temple (Luke 2), attended synagogue worship and even delivered a message during an assembly (Luke 4), and he observed the Jewish feast days such as the Passover.

Jesus had to deal with the abuse of the law by those who claimed to love God but he did not urge a rejection of religion, just the error practiced by men. He condemned hypocrisy in the Pharisees but he told his followers to listen and obey what they taught from the Law while rejecting their example, Matthew 23:1-3. In an often quoted passage, Jesus did not say that it was wrong to follow the strictness of the tithe (as some claim) but that it should be done in addition to not forsaking the weightier matters of the law, Matthew 23:23-24.

Problem 2: Jesus and his apostles established a religion!

Some adherents to this philosophy want to separate the work of Jesus and the apostles (accept Jesus but reject the teaching of the apostles relative to doctrine) but they cannot be divorced. Instead, Jesus reinforced the authority of the apostles in matters of religion.

As the chart illustrates, all authority flows down from the Father through Jesus to the apostles. The authority form the apostles consists of their teaching and example. The Bible condemns those who do not abide in Christ’s doctrine (2 John 7-11), who follow traditions devised by men (Matthew 15:1-9), and any other authority but God’s word (Galatians 1:6-9, 2 Timothy 3:16-17).

If one wants to condemn the organization of believers into a body (as opposed to just serving God without the church) he will have a problem with Jesus who founded the church, Matt. 16:18. Far from being a foolish organization designed by men, the church is a reflection of the wisdom of God, Ephesians 3:10-13, and is the body of Christ, Ephesians 1:22-23.

Take up stones also to condemn Jesus for instituting ritual practices for on the night before he was betrayed, he instituted a memorial meal to be observed in the church to remember his sacrifice, Matthew 26:26-28, 1 Corinthians 11:17-34. He also commanded his disciples to baptize those who believe the gospel and, sorry if this is scandalous, teach them to observe all of his teachings, Matthew 28:19-20.

Not only did he teach, and commanded his apostles to teach, obedience to his commandments, he outlined what to do when brethren disobeyed the law, Matthew 18:15-20. The apostles reiterated the teaching of our Lord against those who were disorderly, 2 Thessalonians 3:6-15; 1 Corinthians 5:1-5; 2 Corinthians 2:5-11. He went so far as to equate love for him with adherence to his commandments, John 14:15, 21.

The strictness of the moral code of Christ will not sit well with the “I just love Jesus and don’t judge others” crowd. Unlike many who claim to follow Christ today, Jesus had a very narrow view on divorce and remarriage, Matthew 5:31-32, 19:3-12 that caused even his disciples to question whether it might be better to not marry than to marry unwisely. Many in the religious world do not condemn the behaviors condemned by the apostle Paul in Romans 1:18-32 and, instead, condemn Christians who teach that this behavior is “ungodly and unrighteous.”(Paul’s words) Likewise, they bristle against restrictions on sexual immorality, filthy language, and materialism though the apostles, by inspiration of the Holy Spirit, condemn that as well, Ephesians 5:3-12, declaring such behaviors as improper for Christians. True religion, and the word is used in scripture, is praised in James 1:26-27 through the exercise of one’s faith.

Paul warned that times would arise in which men would reject the strict teaching of our Lord and the apostles and find teachers who would allow them to indulge in their passions but have the appearance of piety and serving God, 2 Timothy 3:1-9; 4:1-5. Seems like this is such a time.

Many in the “I love Jesus but am not religious” movement are hesitant to say that those in non-Christian religions will not be saved, yet the Savior himself insisted that salvation is only through coming to the Father through him, John 3:16-18; 8:24; 14:6-7.

As Kevin DeYoung noted in his blog, “If religion is characterized by doctrine, commands, rituals, and structure, then Jesus is not your go-to guy for hating religion” (“Does Jesus Hate Religion? Kinda, Sorta, Not Really” http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/kevindeyoung/2012/01/13/does-jesus-hate-religion-kinda-sorta-not-really/)

Problem 3: It condemns true Christians for actions carried out by hypocrites and opportunists

Some advocates for this attitude embrace the argument of the atheists that religious people are the source of more suffering in this world than good. It is a foolish argument that fails to recognize the incredible countless actions by humble Christians who have provided the lowliest service to their fellow man. No one can deny that atrocities have been carried out in the name of Jesus but those actions are out of the boundaries of the moral code of our Lord and true Christians condemn such abuses.

Jesus didn’t throw out the Old Law just because the Pharisees added their traditions. He condemned their error and upheld the holiness of the Law. Jesus addressed the hypocrisy as a problem with people, not God’s law.

That some churches are involved in politics and take a stance as Democrats or Republicans should not condemn those of us who keep politics out of the pulpit. Exercise of political agendas belongs in the personal realm, not in the church. We need to change the hearts of people with the gospel, not the ballot box. Some churches claiming to follow Christ do this because they no longer believe in the inspiration of scripture and the deity of Jesus so they had to redesign the church to be an agent of social change. The alliance of the church and politics (Republican, Democrat, Reformation purges, and Holy Roman Empire) is an unholy one foreign to the Lord who founded a kingdom that was “not of this world.”

Wars fought in the name of the Prince of Peace do not mean that Jesus was pleased with such actions. That some opportunistic leaders and political-religious leaders co-opted the cause of Christ to wage carnal warfare does not mean that all Christians are right to support such action. Some Christians are pacifists and oppose all war, especially in the name of Jesus. The true warfare of the Christian is not of this world and is waged with wars not earthly weapons, 2 Corinthians 10:3-5.

Some claiming to be Christians have used political intimidation and violence to persecute and kill other Christians who did not agree with them. Such actions are not approved by the New Testament and yet the problem was with the individuals and the religious bodies who perpetrated such vile actions, not the church established by Christ.

To condemn the religion of Christ because some people used the name of Christ to make war, oppress others, or to advance their political goals, is naïve and ignorant at best. At worst it is misleading, prejudiced, and arrogant.

Problem 4: Some use non-religion piety to justify immoral or self-centered living

As described above, the moral code of Jesus and the apostles is quite strict. However, some in the modern popular Christian movements are quick to defend a very permissive view of divorce and remarriage, sexual immorality, foul language (even cursing from the pulpit), materialism, and a host of other behaviors with a “judge not” halo glowing over their forehead.  They like to emphasize grace but it’s a man-made grace where everything is acceptable, not the Bible grace that calls men to repentance, Romans 2:4. They like the Jesus who forgives but forgets he is also the one who says, “Go your way and sin no more” (John 5:14; 8:11). They like when Jesus says “judge not” but forget that he is also the judge who will weigh the hearts and actions of men on the last day, John 5:30; 12:48; Matthew 12:36.

There have been similar times in Bible history where, instead of following the law of God, “every man did what was right in his own eyes” to the great displeasure of God, Deuteronomy 12:8; Judges 17:6; 21:25. However, Proverbs 12:15 tells us that it is the fool who follows what is right in his own eyes and does not follow the wisdom of God.

Some claim the church should be a hospital for the broken, which is appropriate since Jesus is a physician for those broken down by sin, Matthew 9:12. However, a person goes to the hospital to be healed, not to continue in the sick condition. Jesus calls us from the filth of the world to live clean and pure lives (2 Peter 1:3-4; 1 Peter 4:1-5). It is strange that some are content in their “broken” condition instead of recognizing that God is calling us out of the world into holy living as part of our “reasonable service,” Romans 12:1. Seems that some are ‘holier than thou’ about the virtue of their lack of holiness. Yet God wants us to be holy because he is holy, 1 Peter 1:15.

Conclusion

Like so many Christians, I am disgusted by the materialism and immorality that has characterized so many prominent groups and individuals claiming to be Christian. I mourn for the carnal warfare, persecutions, and abuse carried out in Jesus’ name or by those who claim allegiance to Christ. I believe that much of the “Christian” world reflects a hijacked religion that departed from the simplicity of the gospel in the New Testament. However, I cannot throw out the true religion of Christ because some institutions and individuals have left the way of Christ though they claim a relationship with him. If you love Jesus, you will love religion—the religion that he established, that is described in the New Testament, and that reflects the glory, holiness, and righteousness of our great Lord.

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